Lately I've been thinking about father figures. It started when we took Kylie to Babies R Us to have her photos taken. She took one look at the male photographer and let out a scream. And last week, when our neighbor Jeff came over, he gently took Kylie in his arms to hold her and she got fussy.
Now it may just be coincidence. She was nearing her nap time on both occurences. But it worries me.
I've even noticed that I screen picture books for her. For example, there is a series of books titled "How do dinosaurs clean their rooms, count to ten, etc." These are very sweet books with beautiful illustrations but I haven't got one for Kylie because Dad is on almost every page.
Kylie won't have tons of contact with her grandpas or her uncle because they live in TN. So it's up to me to find incredible men for her to be around.
If I could wave my magic wand, I would want two wonderful gay men to move into our neighborhood. They would fuss over Kylie and make her laugh (while making her mommas perfect cappucinos.)
I know, by and large, that Kylie will do just great with her two moms. At least we hold men in such good esteem. Unlike the woman I heard at St*rbucks the other day. Her little boy asked her, "Where is my daddy?" and she answered, "You don't see your daddy anymore because he is an a**hole." Ouch!
Here are some Kylie pictures. Her shirt says "Mom thinks she's in charge!" Ain't that the truth!
15 comments:
Adorable! We, too, struggle with the positive male role model issue. Good Luck; I'm sure you will figure it out and she will flourish either way.
I know how you feel. For me it's songs at the sing-a-long and clothes that say "dad"...just makes you think about how she may feel a little left out because of these things. I'm sure you'll have good male role models for her. :)
Cute, as always.
I'm curious (really this isn't a criticism). Why is a male role model important? Maybe I’ve gone too far in blurring gender roles and take my husband’s role (as a male that is) for granted?
I like your idea of having a gay male couple for role models but more because I think it provides an example of a strong family unit (along with single parents, multi-generational parents, etc).
Free to let me know if I’m digging a hole for myself because I don’t “get” being a gay parent. This topic has been on my mind a lot recently (a long story that I will try to write about on my blog eventually).
Maybe I'm too idealistic but my thought on Kylie feeling left out for not having a dad is that her friends will also think she is incredibly lucky to have TWO moms. How cool is that?
I just stumbled across your blog today and am getting all caught up. But I had to post and say that Kylie is absolutely precious.
As for male role models, they will come. I hope a wonderful gay couple does move into the neighborhood, but if they don't Kylie will surely find someone she loves -- a friend's dad, a family friend, etc.
It could also be that Kylie is getting near the age where she gets some separation anxiety going on. Remember she is going to know love and be loved and that is in reality all that matters. She will have lots of questions for you, you can be sure of that. As for that woman at Sixbucks, it's those kinds of comments that create confused and anxious children full of conflicted feelings and shame because they want their other parent and feel guilty about it because the other parent is so hateful. You are doing a great job!
She is so obviously loved and will have strong role models of lots of kinds of gender identifications... whether that be females or males is less important than the quality. But -- perhaps once she's old enough for a play group or a sing along group or an exercise play group, you'll meet like-minded parents and be able to connect that way. Perhaps there is a gay couple with children in the area who would like their child(ren) to have females in their lives and you could try out a friendship.
just catching up a bit, it's been awhile since i've logged on. i can't believe how big she's getting! she gets more lovely each time. to me, sure looks like a kid who knows who loves her. on the male role model issue, i agree with the other posts, if she needs one, buddha will provide as they say. not sure that's worth two cents but she's gorgeous! love your posts as always! lisa O (heather's friend)
I've had the same feelings as you but have been sort of afraid to verbalize them. I've noticed that our son is different around men. He seems to get upset when held by a guy and sometimes breaks into tears if they smile or talk to him. We do have two wonderful gay guys in our lives and they are definitely in the "uncle" role and our son sees them all the time. He also sees many other guys because we have a lot of straight couple friends. Could it be that we're being too sensitive and they react this way with females too but we don't notice it as much? By the way, the gay uncles don't make us fabulous cappuccinos but they make killer martinis and sometimes snub our decorating skills. :)
Oh, one other thing. We got that book "How Dinosaurs Clean Their Rooms" for a gift and Mateo loves it! My feeling is that they are going to be bombarded with dad stuff everywhere because it is the norm, so it's a good opportunity to open up discussion about it so they feel OK. I think we all want straight families to have discussions with their kids about families like ours, so I think it's only fair for us to do the same and talk about straight families. I think they need to know that there are lots of different types of families out there - and living in Portland they might not know that so early. :) (Which is a good thing for us)
P.S. Why do people put stars in brand names such as St*rbucks on blogs? Thanks.
Hey girls, I didnt get to de-lurk and comment yet, but I am now! Thanks for sharing your blog and the wonderful pictures of your little girl with all of us. She really inspires me. I look at her and think someday I will have one. I just have to keep trying. I do have a question for you...how long did it take to get your BFP with her? Did you do medicated? Doc assisted? IUI or at home? If you dont mind me asking. I skipped this month for a break but we have tried 7 times all together, 2 at home and the rest IUI's and 4 medicated. I got a BFP but miscarried. Its so hard to go on, but I know if I dont, we wont have our dream baby. Thanks again!
It's funny how many people have asked us if Andrew will have men in his life. We don't feel that it's necessary, I'm more of a "guy" when it comes to all of the sport and mechanical things than his uncles are. However, I don't want him to be afraid of men. And he might want to hang out with some "boys" here and there, but we're lucky to have Lois' brother 10 minutes away and a close straight guy friend who's like an uncle.
I agree that male role models will come. We can't shield them from the reality that other families might have a mommy and a daddy.
Kylie is cuter by the day! She's so lucky to have such wonderful mommies!
I would never assume to know exactly where you are coming from with the male role model issue or how you are feeling. As a straight woman with a husband who is an active, loving father to our son, I find it to be very important to me. That being said, knowing you both and Kylie though, I KNOW that she will not "suffer" in the slightest. I like "Erin, Maria, and Mateo"'s take on incorporating discussion about all sorts of families. Ethan will know from day one that Kylie has two Moms. My stance has been and always will be...If you are lucky enough to find love in this lifetime, in whatever form, then more power to you."
I applaud your candor and bravery in bringing up an interesting issue.
Love,
Hmyz
Oops...that was supposed to say, "Heather" :)
Hi Michelle,
I tried to find your email address and couldn't so I'm going to answer your question in the comments.
Karen and I got pregnant on our first try. We used frozen/thawed donor sperm. The insemination was IUI and was done at a reproductive clinic by a nurse practioner. We didn't use any drugs.
I can't imagine how hard it is to try for several cycles or to have a miscarriage. Just know that we'll be thinking of you and crossing our fingers for you.
Hi Erin, Maria and Mateo,
Thank you for your comments as well. Very thought provoking. I also couldn't find your email so I thought I would answer your question here as well.
I use stars* to replace letters in well-known brands such as Starbucks to throw off web crawlers that cruise blogs. This is done so that if someone does a google search for St*rbucks, my blog won't pop up in the search results.
Now if I were doing a review of St*rbucks, I would use the name but if I'm just referring to them, then I use the star.
Hope that answers your question. Look forward to seeing you at PLOP sometime!
I love your blog and am scheduled to have a baby of my own soon (due Aug 24). Kylie is such a blessing and you all seem like the best possible parents. When it comes down to it, babies and children need your love, time, and wisdom. Clearly she is getting that! I am straight and believe that babies will thrive when given the love and affection they need. And if your concerns for a positive male role model continue, I think it will be much easier when she gets a bit older and is in school, activities, has friends, etc. She will likely have much more exposure to men and yall will certainly find one or two she takes a liking to. Tamara
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