First insemination

Wendy here. We had our first insemination today and what I felt most was...relief.

It's been a difficult yet interesting 3 days. I'm the kind of person that can be really hard on myself. I have the tendency to say, "I'm sorry" quite a bit. My first "Sorry" began on Friday morning, after Karen & I had both busted some moves to get to San Francisco on Thursday night. You see, on Thursday, I tested a mid-line on my ovulation test (not dark enough for insemination but dark enough for the folks at PacPro to tell me to get my but to SanFran and that I would probably surge within the next day).

On Friday, no dark line - not close enough to ovulation yet. And then again on Saturday. And then again on Sunday. My mind wanted to kick me over for bringing us out here so soon. And the hotel, car rental, parking back home and all the eating out just kept tallying up in my head. Lots more "sorry's"to get over.

I swear that I have prayed more in the last two weeks than I have in the past two years (and I'm a praying person!). It seemed that I was being asked to give up all my ideas of control of my body and of the situation. "Willing something to happen" just didn't work.

So I got to surrender to the current situation - surrender into waiting. There was a such a fine line between feeling like I'm giving up versus feeling like I'm letting go. It was such a dichotomous time. I wanted to be both realistic yet optimistic. Strong and faithful while feeling unsure, uncertain and apologetic. Thinking that there was no way that I could do this month after month, but knowing that this is exactly what I would do to get pregnant.

Mental strain is a very real thing and all the various mantras of "relax" only cut it so far. So I got to surrender some more, and then some more and then even more. And lots of praying in the waking hours and the resting (should be sleeping but can't) hours. I just told myself that going without sleep is good practice for motherhood.

So when I tested positive for ovulation at 4:30am this morning, I felt a lots of relief. We could finally do the insemination that we have been waiting for. This morning, the excitement and nervousness set in and the big, goofy grin settled on my face. My dad called - perfect timing as always daddy- to wish us luck and then we were off to Pacific Reproduction.

"Relax and receive" was my mantra as we drove to the office. I desperately hoped that the RN would be in a good mood. "Let her not be hung over" I thought. "Let her have had a great night's sleep". "Let her be sweet and happy with us".

It's amazing how my heart would dip and soar with what the RN said. "I haven't had my coffee yet" (HEART DIP). "Your cervix looks great!" (HEART SOAR!). Karen was there with me (thank God!) holding my hand and loving me with her eyes. Within, five minutes the deed was done.

After the nurse left the room, I said the silliest thing, "Are we in the Matrix?", I asked with a giggle. I guess I was trying to communicate how surreal and deja vu-like the experience was. Of course, darling Karen, understood exactly. She giggled with me and gave me a bear-hug and kiss.

So, we get to do another insemination tomorrow. And then we will begin the two-week wait. Thanks for all the well-wishes dear friends. Hold us in your hearts just a little longer.