Saturday, August 12, 2006

How do you know?

How do you know that you've done everything you possibly could to make a baby? How do you let go of the fears and the worry that you could've done something more? How do you just -not know- exactly how to do it and be OK with all the guessing and hoping that you did everything at the right time and the right way?

I leave tomorrow for 12 days. I hate the thought of leaving Wendy here to pass this next week of waiting on her own. I hate the thought of being on the other side of the country when she does find out one way or the other. It's gonna be a long 12 days!

We've been talking about the whole process so far and how there are so many supportive and uplifting blogs we've read that help keep our spirits and hopes high. But, occassionally, we hit upon a know, the blog entry that says that they tried and tried for months to get pregnant and when they did everything "wrong" (like waiting until your temperature spikes to inseminate...not when the little OTK says you're surging) and finally got pregnant. How do you know? If we supposedly did everything right this time but we don't get pregnant, does that mean we should do something different next time? I mean, isn't the definition of insanity said to be doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?

Sigh... You'd think if they can figure out how to give a man a 12 hour erection (i.e. Viagara), then you'd think they could figure out a more exacting approach to getting pregnant! Wendy and I are both planners, organizers and detail people. It's hard not to want a very specific, step-by-step roadmap that says "do this" and "that" will happen...and it will happen on this day at this time and in such-n-such a way! That's the hardest part of all in this process for us. Letting go of the exacting details and allowing your "best shot" to be good enough.

It's always tough when Wendy and I part at the airport when I leave for a trip. This time will be the toughest yet, for both of us. We've always felt we had a tether between us. This invisible chord that links us, heart to heart and soul to soul, no matter where we are. We both feel it stretch when we're apart, but the cool thing is we feel it. It's the feeling of surety and of bondedness that grounds me and supports me. It's the feeling I will carry with me as I journey away during this time....and it's the feeling that I'll follow home in 12 days to whatever awaits....pregnant or still TTC.

- Karen


Anonymous said...

Maybe we'll see you at the airport, our flight leaves at 10:30'ish.

I'll be the one with three kids screaming at TSA that they are not taking my lipstick!

Wendy and Karen said...

RSG - I passed through security after you obviously since I saw no one with 3 kids freaking out at TSA. However, I did see one guy who tried to sneak through a "Go-gurt" snack in his underwear! I kid you not! They practically stripped searched the wasn't pretty. I made it through unscathed and got a good chuckle to boot. - Karen