Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Boppy, pacifiers and more

Kylie is one random kid. One never knows the best way to soothe her or get her to sleep. One night it's patting her on the back while walking around, the next night it's bouncing her and then the next night it's nursing to exhaustion. And each night I'll think, "Okay, this is the magic formula". The next night I'll try it and Whoops! Doesn't work any more! Try lots of other things. I really love to follow methods and patterns and formulas. And the fact that she consistently resist this.......well....I'll just say that (while I grind my teeth) it's been a learning experience.

I both love and hate the Boppy. As breastfeeding pillows go, it's the best (I've tried some others). But I hate the fact that it's lovely soft material is so dang slippery. It seems like I'm constantly trying to keep Kylie from slipping off the pillow or to keep the pillow from slipping off my lap. At the end of the night, my wrists are sore from gripping it to keep it from slipping. It's not quite the right height and the way that it's supposed to wrap around my middle makes me think that I'm fat. So the eight to ten times a day that I'm using the cursed Boppy to nurse, it's shouting at me, "You're fat, you're fat, you're fat!".

Kylie likes her pacifier. She uses it as an after-dinner mint and a way to soothe herself to sleep. But when she first tastes the pacifer, she'll give me a look that says, "What is this gross, disgusting thing you are putting in my mouth!?" I've found that I need to pop the pacifier in and quickly pop it out a few times. This gets her spit on it so that when she next tastes it, she'll take it and suck away. This morning I was tried this technique and made her gag and spit up. Felt like Evil Mommy.

Lastly, I think I'm finally getting over this weird crap I've been doing. For WEEKS NOW, about an hour after falling asleep, I'll wake Karen up by patting frantically in the bed for the baby. I'm sound asleep as I do this. It's like in my dreaming, I've lost the baby in the bed and I'm trying to find her. The weird thing is that we don't ever have Kylie in the bed with us. Ever.

The horrible part about this is that I've wacked Karen some good ones. Here she is sleeping peacefully, only to wake up by having her wife slapping at her. Apparently, in my dreaming frantic search, I'm hitting Karen and the bed pretty hard. Karen will sit up, wrap her arms around me, and lower me back to the bed while telling me that the baby is safe in her crib over and over. I don't remember any of this. Each morning I'll ask Karen about it and each morning she'll tell me, "Yep. You did it again!" and I'll just feel awful.

But two nights ago, something shifted. As I was falling asleep, I actually felt the anxiety. My mind was rushing all of these images of the day past me really quickly. It was like a strobe light. I could see all of these near misses that happened that day such as a car hitting us (instead of missing us which is what really happened) or a dog that we were playing with scratching Kylie (instead of staying away from her which is what really happened). It was like all of the worse case possibilities that could have happened were flashing by.

And I felt all tight, like I was bracing myself the way you do when you have to slam on your car brakes. So I threw my arm and leg around Karen and nestled into her arms and just breathed through it, telling myself that it was okay. That none of those bad things had happened and that we were all just fine. In a few minutes, the anxiety passed.

And that night, I didn't beat the bed looking for the baby. My diagnosis is that my anxiety had moved from my subconscious to conscious mind and now I was able to deal with it. But who cares about the diagnosis. The most important thing is that I didn't beat the bed or my wife.

I tell you....motherhood is QUITE the trip!

And now as a reward for reading this long, rambling post, I give you a picture of Kylie.



Ethan Barry's Momma said...

I too had a love/hate relationship with my boppy. At first I hated the constant sliding, pushing in, etc. so much that I exclusively used "My Brest Friend". That was until Ethan got bigger and he started to roll right off of it. I later loved my boppies. I found that if I bent my knees or bent one knee under my other leg, the boppy would stay in place better. Regardless of what I used though, I just discovered that my kid was a "scooter" and I was continually readjusting him.

As far as the randomness goes, at 11 1/2 months, I still see it. I think they do it to keep us guessing. LOL

Beautiful pic of Kylie. She is such a doll. Can't wait to visit with you again soon.


ajs4ever said...

Hey girly!
I love Kylie's picture- she is so beautiful! I guess motherhood does some strange things to you, huh? So glad your wife will work through it with you!! Keep the pictures comin!!


Kerry Lynn said...

I don't have a boppy pillow but I can understand that must be very frustrating. Maybe along the lines of my hatred for Avent bottles...I need to write a post about that...I was ready to check myself in to the institution yesterday over it. UGH, I'm getting worked up again...

I'm sorry Kylie is random. I guess I'm lucky both of mine are pretty consistent with what soothes them...although they're different from each other. She just likes to keep you on your toes...I guess you better get used to it.

madison does the EXACT thing with her pacifier! That horrible face like I'm trying to feed her poop (not that I've ever done that...), then the gagging. I feel bad but sometimes I get annoyed cause I know in 2 seconds she's going to take it and love it and pass out with it. a few times she's gagged so bad that's she's thrown up majorly...then i feel terrible that shoved it in her mouth. :-(

I know what you mean about having awful, vivid thoughts of disasterous things happening. I have them when I'm awake and I can't control's awful.

That is such a beautiful picture of Kylie. Maybe it's all the hair but I feel like she's an old soul...she looks very wise like she's been around the block before.

Thanks for your comments on my babes. I could just eat them up!!

ohchicken said...

hi wendy and karen,

my partner and i are looking forward to a move to oregon next year. any thoughts/feelings on the eugene/springfield area?

we've looked in pdx area, but probably can't afford it on a teacher's salary.

Mermaidgrrrl said...

I looked in the bed for Seth for about the first 3 weeks all the time. Little Mister would come to bed after me when I was already asleep and I'd start rustling around in the sheets saying "where's the baby? He's slipped down!" I'm so glad you do it too! I hadn't done it for ages and then when we were away recently I did it again and she had to actually wake me up a bit more and point him out in his basinette before I would believe her that he wasn't lost in the quilt somewhere. I think it's because they're safely tucked away in your tummy for so long and you're so used to feeling them move there that it takes a while for your mind to realise that they're separate to you in a different bed. Strange huh?

I've never tried a boppy, but I use one normal pillow at my side and then a U shaped pillow on top of it for nursing. I nurse using football hold this way because it's easier with my big boobs.

Have you tried expressing a drop of milk onto the pacifier? That might help her take it without adding anything weird to it. Good luck! You're doing a great job!

Anonymous said...

Good work Mommy. Figuring it out is hard work sometimes. You are doing a great job. Even if it doesn't feel like it at times.

Oh, and the boppy? Making you feel fat? I have that problem without a boppy! I'd be pitchin' that thing quick! Heh...

MaMaMia said...

I agree with H, I loved "My Breast Friend" pillow. Once my son got older, it just got easier to nurse with just a regular pillow. I never liked the boppy.

Your daughter is such a cutie!